Stressed. So very stressed. It's ridiculous how much stress I can feel and then I shut down. Which is not good for anyone and especially me.
It's not even just the job. Sure my place of employement is stressful but that is to be expected. I am not managing my thoughts and emotions like I should and I can feel the results.
We have been working on this surrogacy thing now since ... September of last year. I had my eggs taken out then. Frozen that month. two survived.
another story for another day.
January found our surrogate. we are in August.... and are frozen. REALLY??? I mean, we've made progress ehre an there but stop teasing me. Can we have a child or not? I am so over this wait. I have a lack of patience when it comes to myself. I have a goal and I strive for it. Why is it so difficult? is it worth it? Is this what I really want?
It's just crazy how much I feel burdened by everything. Lawyers took ALL summer. end of may, all of june, and all of july. got approval to begin and she has done TWO ultrasounds (out of pocket to us) and now...just kidding. will have to wait another thirty days. Sure, in the grand scheme of things, 30 days isn't a long time. But I am stressssssssed. am I at my breaking point? no. probabaly not yet. When work jumps on in ... then yes. I want to slash a few things and yell.
I've been keeping it all in and it's exhausting. Why can't we just make this happen?
Why was I chosen to not only have kidney failure but this whole kid issue that goes with it. one thing at a time. My doctor knew not to tell me this road we would take. . .
What is the point? What is the point of being a good noble person? of caring about everyone and not yourself? about making parents proud and husband ... somewhat proud, lol? I mean, come on. You live your life thinking it will go one way or the other and then ;lfjsdjf;ldj;fds happens. it's tiring. It's wearing me out.
At times, I want to just sleep. all day, wouldn't that be great?? or stay and snuggle with the dogs? why work somewhere where you are treated with disrespect? Why get up to have negative stuff thrown at you.
It's just...too much sometimes.
Am I depressed? Nope. Just in a mood that sleep...will get me out of. I know htoughs overall control the rest of me. Our minds can be the bestest of friends and our worst enemies. Right now, she is miserable. I'll get over it. I don't have habits such as eating a lot when I am angry or doing stupid stuff. I ... just shut down.
I should go talk to ... other people but ... I feel as if I would rub off on them. which I know is false because I become a different person on the job working with other ppl.
OKay, the vent box is off. On to more productive things but, I am just... upset.
