Week 29 update

Small update and my camera got cut off. Bah!! So unfortunately there is a part two. Enjoy! My part two even got cut off because my phone doesn't have any more memory. #lifeproblems. 

In Summary:

I'm Sara. An independent parent with my husband. We have a gestational surrogate who is prego for us. We are currently 29 weeks pregnant. And I am thrilled!

10 years post transplant

 Thought to do an overall health update and give a shout-out to an amazing person in my life. 

We’re Pregnant

 

Day 10 Post egg retrieval

I haven't been able to write because I've been so tired and zoned to the world. My egg retrieval was Saturday, 10/22/16 at 8:45 AM. Though we had to check in an hour earlier.

The day of the procedure was fine. My right ovary was already very sore due to size and amount of eggs in there. They put me in a side room had me change into a hospital gown with shoe protectors and a hair protector. My husband was able to meet up with me after delivering his specimen. Around the 8:45 hour they wheeled me back to surgery , gave me some gas and injected the anesthesia via my hand IV. I woke up in recovery about an hour after the procedure was complete and my husband was allowed to take me home.

Day 1- other than just feeling very exhausted I felt overall okay. Tired and I rested and slept the majority of the day. They gave me Tylenol #3 initially as my pain medication which I took but I take this on a norm for my migraines.

I was told 16 eggs were taken out at this time.

Instructions: no sex, no bathing, no swimming for two weeks. Rest. Do not over exert oneself.

Day 2- the trooper that I am, I went into work on Sunday. I'm the only one who works that day so hard to get coverage. Mind you, my profession is an adolescent social worker for psychiatric patients inpatient. My mind felt fine but I knew I was drained. I went to work, took my medicine as needed and for the most part I was okay. After work, I went to a friends and napped on the couch.

For PGS testing, I was informed only 8 can be tested of the 16. It's $150 per extra embryo tested.

Day 3- Monday is when things started happening. I went to work again and did what I could. I was able to last the full 8-10 hour day but began feeling a sharp pain in my abdomen. I continued taking my pain medicine as needed.

Day 4 - I went to work and only lasted half the day. My body was very unhappy with me. Walking to and from different buildings made my abdomen hurt severely. My chest began feeling tight and my breathing became irregular. The pain is almost equivalent to a sharp cramp but it doesn't stop, period.

I requested to leave work early because I couldn't function and made a walk in appt with my fertility clinic. They examined me and pulled my blood. The doctor stated that since my ovaries were still enlarged that would cause discomfort and pain. Water was also found during the ultrasound that was making me bloated and added to the discomfort. The pain medication was changed to Tramadol at this point and he added another medication in case I was hyper stimulated.

I went home that Tuesday and rested. Follow up was scheduled for Thursday.

Embryo update: 12/16 were fertilized good.

Day 5- despite doctors recommendations I returned to work on Wednesday. The pain continued and now nausea was an added symptom. I threw up while talking to an ado escent patient and again during a family therapy session. My supervisor had a mlinch meeting with some outside clients and I could barely touch or smell the food. I got ill during that meeting and made the decision to leave slightly after. I informed the doctor and went home to rest after taking my anti nausea medication and pain medication.

Day 6- Thursday! Thankfully I was off this day. I had my follow up in the PM and there continued to be water in my stomach along with ovaries still being inflammated. I rested and took my medicine. At one point this day I believe my dogs jumped on my stomach and the pain shot throughout my body. I literally have to be in a fetal position all day for comfort. The doctor at this point told me not to return to work until the following Tuesday to ensure I am well rested and have time to recover. He also mentioned once my next cycle occurs, I'll feel better and that should be occurring Tuesday the 1st of Nov.

Day 7 - Friday. Stayed home as I was off and informed my employer that the doctor is requesting I stay home this weeks and up until Tuesday. My employer was not in favor of this and said maybe I could have Saturday off but not Sunday.

Pain level was decreasing a bit but still strong cramping feeling.

Embryo report: 6 appeared ready to be frozen , the others may be ready by next day.

Day 8- Saturday. I woke up with a strong pain throughout my body. I could barely walk and I could literally feel my "vagina" yelling at me. It simply hurt the worst. When they say your are healing for two weeks, you are HEALING for two weeks.

I was fortunate to have my mother come over this day and bring me some soup.

I rested the majority of the day. By rested: I slept, I drank water or Gatorade And tried to eat healthy. The #1 thing I've been doing is sleeping. My eyes are heavy and I feel even my face getting swollen.

Day 9- I was made to return to work prior to the doctors recommendations. I arrived and thought, "I can do this." I made my plan of actin and worked hard from 8:30-6:30 PM. This was a mistake. The office building has temperatures ranging from 80 -63 depending on what part you are in. I chose to stick near nurses station because it was the warmest. Every time I went to my office, my nose would drain and my eyes were tearing up. It was not a pretty site. I had other coworkers ask me what was wrong because my eyes were getting puffy and I became heavily congested. I already have a weakened immune system due to my kidney transplant six years ago. I did what I could at work but once the six o'clock hour hit I had to check priorities and I left at 6:30. 27 patients, one therapist one the unit. Stressful day.
I then went home to rest and basically pass out. I let my employer know I would be following doctors recommendations for now on and won't return till Tuesday or Wednesday.

Cyro report: 6 embryos were able to be frozen.

Day 10 - today is Monday and day 10. I did not go to work. My stomach feels okay but my face doesn't. I am showing symptoms of either allergies or just nasal congestion. :(

Update for thoughts

Blog

The kidney:

So, my last appt was in April 2016 and I was told to continue with the Omega & Sodium Bicarbonate which I didn't. I was also instructed to up my dose on the prograf, which I didn't. 

I don't get entirely why I am on the omega & sodium and I feel it's more of a dietary than anything else. So just don't want to take more pills than I need to. 

The prograf, the nephrologist upped my PM dose to 1 mg from 0.5 bc labs were abnormal. I am 5 years post transplant. About to be 6 and I am becoming stubborn. I know the importance of the meds. I know if I don't take them, I could lose the kidney. So why don't I take my medication as prescribed? Because it's not seeing the bad and being stubborn. I take it when I remember, but I'm not perfect. The fluconozole more than anything is what I do remember to take but the silly doc from infectious disease has issues scheduling a dang follow up. I need to start carrying my meds on me again. I've been slacking. 

The baby making situation:

I'm hurt and devastated. Life at this point doesn't seem fair. I feel like a shitty person. A shitty wife. The one thing I should be able to do I can't. And now we save to do IVF w a gestational surrogate. Very unfortunate. I'm just tired of the red tape and the questions. I am tired and want to be someone else. 

At the end of the day though, I have to still take my medicine and just be me. But who am I anymore. Can't work with dialysis patients anymore bc got too personal. But aren't I hypocritical when I'm not compliant with my medication either. I've been drinking way more than I should to numb out feelings and to not care. But like I tell "others" this numbing method doesn't work bc once your sober, it hits you hard. 

So what is one to do? No, I don't want therapy l bc usually get aggravated and these ppl don't know how to challenge me the way I need. I've tried and then get pissed off. 

Yes, I wanted to write a book. Yes, I wanted to help others. But of course, self-care comes first. If I can't do that how am I suppose to help others with ESRD, CKD or infertility. Becomes problematic over and over again. I've volunteered and worked with this population and it doesn't help. Well, kind of did because it made me more accountable. Which is usually hard. But surrounding yourself with that shit makes life a wee bit more in your face. 

Do I want a kid? Of course. Just tired of the way it has to happen. Is this just the way it has to be. Yup. Is that fair? Nope. But you know , I can't do anything about it. Just continue to play the game. 

Can doing too much affect my health? Maybe. Is this a question for the nephrologist. Maybe. And that appt is next week. So, one day, one thing at a time. 

Sara, what do you want? 

A good job that I can help others in some shape or form. 

A crazy yet satisfying life. Hahaha. By crazy: dancing, and no ragrats, lol. Rave galor and sweat till you just forget all the pain. Dancing is therapeutic. No drugs needed. 

As many have said in the past , to feel normal. But then one questions what is normal. Bc we all have different thought process' aboot what that means but ppl don't ever want to actually define it for themselves. 

So what is normal for myself? Haha. No clue. Hahahhaha. Just a thought again and again. 

Cycle #3 Begins from scratch

We used both of our embryos which survived freezing last year, 2015. Now I have to go through the freezing process again. Lots of money, lots of shots , wee bit of stress. 

I have an appt today for my baseline to see if my eggs are indeed 27 or if they may be older due to my health issues. If they are for some reason older, we need to freeze ASAP. 

I don't know if I feel ready currently to do all this again. I get so frustrated knowing I'm broken. If I can't have my picture perfect family with my husband and kids , what's the point. Why not be alone and act a fool. Two extremes but it's how I feel. 

They have to do a huge panel along with an ultrasound. I'm late to work and that seems more of a stressor currently. 

I'll find out hopefully this week if we are doing the shots or not. 

Need to stop drinking. . . I've been doing it way more often than I use to. 

Cycle #2: Embroyo transfer day

so we are trying this again. It's so stressful, emotionally. Cycle 1 did not stick. And the husband and I wanted to just get this done with. So baseline appt for our surro began late October. She arrived to Houston yesterday in which we picked her up.
This go around we are having her stay with us. Easier.
But yesterday we had an appt with the fertility clinic. Last week during an ultrasound the doctor saw liquid in lining. They took it out. This week, before traveling this liquid needed to be verified it wasn't there as it could interfere with transfer. Yesterday's appt was clear. Therefore today at 11 we have embryo transfer. We will be in art dance this time as last time we weren't invited in.
How do I feel? Oddly calm. I've been hurt. And keep getting hurt. So this is just an appt to me. I should be praying far more but I think I'm negative about the whole thing Already. Maybe I just shouldn't have kids. Maybe it's not my life plan.
I want a child. It's what you do next in your marriage. I want someone else to love dearly. To teach what I know.
I have to get dressed in 15 min. 45-50 min drive away and she has to be there early.
Ultimately it's in gods hands. If we are to have a child he will make it happen.

Prayers!!

Surrogacy update

It hurts. So, I try to stay anonymous with my personality because I don’t need people reading this and then going to find me. Not interested. But if you do know me , I don’t mind that you read this.

Our two weeks have passed. Beta blood test was done today. Results came around 2PM CST.  It is negative.

To calm my nerves I ask for details to the test. This science that decides whether I have a child or not. Our surrogates HCG was 3.6 and to be positive must be a minimum of 5 or 10. Our G.S. stated a 50 is okay and a 100 is the goal of what they want to see. She stops her medicine today. 

It’s funny how the money doesn’t matter at all right now. All you feel is the pain of knowing it’s not going to happen. I try to rise above my circumstances over and over. I stay busy, I work a full time job, I do things on the side to stay happy. 

But … being this positive person about my health and my circumstance is not doing much for me. I am still angry and hurt. I fight so much for the things I want. I fought for my health with my kidney disease and did the transplant and take my immune suppressants post kidney transplant. I’ve been in the hospital for several reasons post transplant and I get through it because I have a strong will to get through things. But, I can’t control this. I put a lot of it in prayers, though I could have done more. 

I am angry. I am hurt. I want to throw things at people and yell. People’s petty issues irritate me but I smile and try to continue. But It is difficult to keep going. When I say I want to stay in bed all day, let me stay in bed. Let me be miserable. 

A few years ago I went through a strong depression for about a year and a half. Nothing to do with kidney’s or infertility but other personal stuff. I am glad and grateful I am not in that hole anymore. But I am allowed to grieve that I can not have a child. 

I am tired of living on guard all the time. Doing as my parents want for me. Pleasing others.

What about what I want?? I would like to take a car and smash into another. But then I’d have to worry about the stupid bills.

Living in the now consists of: being upset and angry . yelling at others. Crying. Binge watching movies. Going out to dance and drinking far more than I should … I want to forget. I don’t cut myself. I don’t do drugs. Adrenaline helps me forget my thoughts so…I will probably seek something else right now. 

Five years post kidney transplant is coming up November. Two years, almost three years married…no child.

I am … j;lkdsjf;aldsjf;ljds;lfa

I’m tired of beign responsible and caring. 

Medicine daily. Migraines weekly. Other people having kids… daily. Hard for me to be happy for you when I have my own issues going on.

So, shut up!

**obviously, I am venting like mad crazy. 

This is why you don’t tell people you are pregnant until you are. You don’t tell people shit until you are in your second trimester.

Surrogacy Update : TRANSFER DAY

I am not even on any hormones and I am very emotional and all over the place. Our appointment for surgery was today 10 AM CST. we got there early but our gestational surro was already in pre-op. I felt so lost and crappy not knowing what was going on.
That is our embryo. What is happening. Is it healthy. Any issues.
But then

We saw her come out with her husband. And I lit up. She is okay. All must be okay. Our G. Surro had two pictures for me. A blastocyst pic of our embryo and a pic with it in the uterus.

It's all so real now. We are going to have a baby!!! I will be positive. This negative attitude of mine has got to go. Must start seeing the light in the darkness.

So stressful and I am sure I am snappy. But luckily, I have the best husband in the world.

Now ... The two week wait begins to see if we are blood test pregnant.

I got our surro a care package, a scrapbook starter for her side and my mother in law made shirts. Which is still to be delivered.

Prayers too! This will be out first and prob only child.

Sept 30

So we all know that I can be a difficult patient but today was a stupid we went to go sign consents and our fertility clinic and no joke a joke 15 minutes to do this I had full sending a consents took maybe two minutes and the woman just got on a saying that wish to come later when you're not busy month do before you open what is the issue and so I'm just extremely frustrated people as Sarah aren't you excited? How the hell my gonna be excited whenever stupid shit keeps happening like this is not ideal for any person OK we're spending so much money every single week therefore our personal line is completely or diminished and then we had to still plan a :-) for work I do and and I feel horrible because I'm just like is is actually worth it and I know it is but I'm just so tired of it all I waiting for someone else waiting for transferred a China wait again the sea were actually pregnant like nothing is real until we hear a heartbeat and even then that first trimester so dangerous that I'm just like what's the point getting excited you know so my husband has four more patience than I do because I get so irritated obviously and I hate saying over and over that you know where it is what it is I just I difficult handling it because I'm irritated irritated that I can give birth to my own kid experience the life of birth because of my health issues i'm irritated that people don't take our time into consideration I mean I work in the clinic I know about about utilizing other peoples time and trying to you know adapt to others people schedules and I just I know I can I want to fucking crawl into a small space and just not move because this is so irritating that. And now I had to my office where… Are you want to get into it because that's it out of stress there so I'm just as tired I'm worn out mentally and emotionally and I want to shut down that would be wonderful

8/11/15

Stressed. So very stressed. It's ridiculous how much stress I can feel and then I shut down. Which is not good for anyone and especially me. 

It's not even just the job. Sure my place of employement is stressful but that is to be expected. I am not managing my thoughts and emotions like I should and I can feel the results. 

We have been working on this surrogacy thing now since ... September of last year. I had my eggs taken out then. Frozen that month. two survived. 

another story for another day.

January found our surrogate. we are in August.... and are frozen. REALLY??? I mean, we've made progress ehre an there but stop teasing me. Can we have a child or not? I am so over this wait. I have a lack of patience when it comes to myself. I have a goal and I strive for it. Why is it so difficult? is it worth it? Is this what I really want? 

It's just crazy how much I feel burdened by everything. Lawyers took ALL summer. end of may, all of june, and all of july. got approval to begin and she has done TWO ultrasounds (out of pocket to us) and now...just kidding. will have to wait another thirty days. Sure, in the grand scheme of things, 30 days isn't a long time. But I am stressssssssed. am I at my breaking point? no. probabaly not yet. When work jumps on in ... then yes. I want to slash a few things and yell. 

I've been keeping it all in and it's exhausting. Why can't we just make this happen? 

Why was I chosen to not only have kidney failure but this whole kid issue that goes with it. one thing at a time. My doctor knew not to tell me this road we would take. . .

What is the point? What is the point of being a good noble person? of caring about everyone and not yourself? about making parents proud and husband ... somewhat proud, lol? I mean, come on. You live your life thinking it will go one way or the other and then ;lfjsdjf;ldj;fds happens. it's tiring. It's wearing me out. 

At times, I want to just sleep. all day, wouldn't that be great?? or stay and snuggle with the dogs? why work somewhere where you are treated with disrespect? Why get up to have negative stuff thrown at you. 

It's just...too much sometimes. 

Am I depressed? Nope. Just in a mood that sleep...will get me out of. I know htoughs overall control the rest of me. Our minds can be the bestest of friends and our worst enemies. Right now, she is miserable. I'll get over it. I don't have habits such as eating a lot when I am angry or doing stupid stuff. I ... just shut down. 

I should go talk to ... other people but ... I feel as if I would rub off on them. which I know is false because I become a different person on the job working with other ppl. 

OKay, the vent box is off. On to more productive things but, I am just... upset. 

Gestational Surrogacy Update - attorneys

Ahhhhh!!!!

So all of may we have been doing attorney stuff. Why is it OUR attorney keeps pushing us to switch attorneys for the surrogate we have everything planned but it's taking forever. WTF?!?

January - found surrogate
February - discuss details of contract. Surrogate does requirements
March - surrogate does requirements
April - surrogate finishes requirements.

May- attorney
June - attorney and hopefully Meds. Ahhhhh

Why is it taking 6 months.

I get frustrated and just want to give up. So much money in this already.

I just want to have a kid. Stupid how difficult this is.

CKD status - last appt

I had a follow up with the nephrologist , which I will say is still the best nephrologist I've ever had. My creatinine levels are at 1.7. Which is great for me. I target for anything under 2. So 1.7 is ideal. I doubt I can ever get to 1.5.

I was finally told that I don't look dehydrated. Was surprised about that as my water intake hasn't been that much better but hey, I'll take it.

Meds:
Prograf
Myfortic
Prednisone
Fluconozole
Valcyte
Sodium bicarbonate
Vitamin D

Take Meds twice a day.

Need to follow up with infectious disease.
Have to follow up with neurologist.

Update

I truly do not feel like writing what so ever but it is a way to express myself and cope. I am frustrated. Very frustrated with the process and with everything.
Yes, I am fully aware this journey will involve spending money, a lot of money, but do NOT rip me off because you can.

Attorney fee's for both Intended parents & Gestational Surrogate
Living Will cost
Escrow costs
Life Insurance (expected )
Medical Bills
Health Insurance

Should we have just gone with an agency, I look back and i deff. say yes. The stress this puts on a person is ridiculous. I just didn't agree and don't that the agency wants 12K or so for coordinating.
You want 1500-ish a month on top of what the surrogate will be getting monthly. You guys realize we own a home, have two mouths to feed along with our animals. No assistance available and it is like we are in the medicare donut hole...just stops moving.

I am frustrated with the to do lists.I am frustrated with the time this is taking. We found our match for surrogacy back in January 2015. We are in MAY now.

I just pray that the migraines wont overdo themselves and that Baby F will be amazing when and if he arrives.

Contracts and GS

I'm so tired. Why can't this be easier? I have to consider each step and I do not know if you realize there are a lot. I feel as if I am burdening there surrogate with discussing the financials . We have the base fee ,the transfer fee, the starting medication fee, and the base pay base pay starts earlier than I thought.  before oh and then the kicker. Is I need to get insurance for them so that's a private policy that covers pregnancyl fully doesn't have any exclusions to it so that my stresses me out my head wants to explode just a bit if you're okay will how much is adaptable and bubble blah and I guess this is why people go through agencies but I just couldn't like they getting positive about being in agency ten grand to just take care of the little stuff I think like right now I am doing it on my own my husband's been busy but he'll join up after this weekend he's just been really busy with work I don't know. It's like a right now I'm looking at two different just gestational surrogates. And I have to see what is better for me and of course somewhat cost-effective and they have different fees one seems more lenient about things one is very like notices. But really this is someone I need like , to get me because they're carrying my child for the next like nine months so I guess? Iono. 

Searching for a GS

How do I feel? Frustrated, intimidated and more. These base comp amounts are a fortune. Do you realize that the surrogate will be receiving my salary basically? Thankful I have a job. Just... Why is comp so much when we cover every procedure possible? 

Once we save a base comp amount that is safe, we can begin. 

Insurance: didn't realize this by itself is so difficult. Our insurance doesn't cover the surrogates pregnancy. Our fertility clinic offers to monitor for first 10 weeks. So week 11-40 we need pregnancy coverage. So much to consider.. Sigh. 

3 months post freeze

Sigh. I am just overwhelmed by the search for a surrogate. It's such BS. I didn't want to bring money up but it seems like there is no other way to explain my frustrations. 

10-20k to have a kid is our mentality. Total. But apparently I am wrong. 

People are asking for comp in the 40s or 20s. Just for them. Not including expenses. As an intended parent , we must save for a surrogate, medical expenses and post birth baby stuff. It's overwhelming. 

Makes me want to give up. 

Also, trying to find someone who you trust and will carry your kid well. Your an oven!! Why are you Sooo expensive. We froze two eggs. Apparently that isn't good enough. And we were told to transfer only 1 at a time. Do you know how much that costs? arrg 2k to test someone and transfer fees. I am just over it. Why?!

BILLS BILLS BILLS

And now the bills begin stacking up. It's never ending. Recently received a bill for $2000 and I knew there had to be an error. So I called the agency and had to "discuss strongly" with them about the billing being done incorrectly.

Quite frustrating. They are wanting to charge me the $2000 for the Gestational Carrier testing though all that has been done with the potential G.C. is a survey to determine if she was a good fit.

miscommunication along with billing always wanting their money, I am irritated.

I have a full time job and to have to go back and forth calling people seeking a job is ridiculous.

How many embryos?

NEWS of the day:

of the 9 removed
the 5 fertilized
ONLY two made it for freezing.

"Fair" condition.

:(

Day after retrieval

I am sore and loopy.

Was provided with pain medication which I took once only yesterday.

Received phone call today from the Clinic. They stated of the nine follicles extracted they were able to fertilize five.

Looking at dates now. To transfer.