Update for thoughts

Blog

The kidney:

So, my last appt was in April 2016 and I was told to continue with the Omega & Sodium Bicarbonate which I didn't. I was also instructed to up my dose on the prograf, which I didn't. 

I don't get entirely why I am on the omega & sodium and I feel it's more of a dietary than anything else. So just don't want to take more pills than I need to. 

The prograf, the nephrologist upped my PM dose to 1 mg from 0.5 bc labs were abnormal. I am 5 years post transplant. About to be 6 and I am becoming stubborn. I know the importance of the meds. I know if I don't take them, I could lose the kidney. So why don't I take my medication as prescribed? Because it's not seeing the bad and being stubborn. I take it when I remember, but I'm not perfect. The fluconozole more than anything is what I do remember to take but the silly doc from infectious disease has issues scheduling a dang follow up. I need to start carrying my meds on me again. I've been slacking. 

The baby making situation:

I'm hurt and devastated. Life at this point doesn't seem fair. I feel like a shitty person. A shitty wife. The one thing I should be able to do I can't. And now we save to do IVF w a gestational surrogate. Very unfortunate. I'm just tired of the red tape and the questions. I am tired and want to be someone else. 

At the end of the day though, I have to still take my medicine and just be me. But who am I anymore. Can't work with dialysis patients anymore bc got too personal. But aren't I hypocritical when I'm not compliant with my medication either. I've been drinking way more than I should to numb out feelings and to not care. But like I tell "others" this numbing method doesn't work bc once your sober, it hits you hard. 

So what is one to do? No, I don't want therapy l bc usually get aggravated and these ppl don't know how to challenge me the way I need. I've tried and then get pissed off. 

Yes, I wanted to write a book. Yes, I wanted to help others. But of course, self-care comes first. If I can't do that how am I suppose to help others with ESRD, CKD or infertility. Becomes problematic over and over again. I've volunteered and worked with this population and it doesn't help. Well, kind of did because it made me more accountable. Which is usually hard. But surrounding yourself with that shit makes life a wee bit more in your face. 

Do I want a kid? Of course. Just tired of the way it has to happen. Is this just the way it has to be. Yup. Is that fair? Nope. But you know , I can't do anything about it. Just continue to play the game. 

Can doing too much affect my health? Maybe. Is this a question for the nephrologist. Maybe. And that appt is next week. So, one day, one thing at a time. 

Sara, what do you want? 

A good job that I can help others in some shape or form. 

A crazy yet satisfying life. Hahaha. By crazy: dancing, and no ragrats, lol. Rave galor and sweat till you just forget all the pain. Dancing is therapeutic. No drugs needed. 

As many have said in the past , to feel normal. But then one questions what is normal. Bc we all have different thought process' aboot what that means but ppl don't ever want to actually define it for themselves. 

So what is normal for myself? Haha. No clue. Hahahhaha. Just a thought again and again. 

Cycle #3 Begins from scratch

We used both of our embryos which survived freezing last year, 2015. Now I have to go through the freezing process again. Lots of money, lots of shots , wee bit of stress. 

I have an appt today for my baseline to see if my eggs are indeed 27 or if they may be older due to my health issues. If they are for some reason older, we need to freeze ASAP. 

I don't know if I feel ready currently to do all this again. I get so frustrated knowing I'm broken. If I can't have my picture perfect family with my husband and kids , what's the point. Why not be alone and act a fool. Two extremes but it's how I feel. 

They have to do a huge panel along with an ultrasound. I'm late to work and that seems more of a stressor currently. 

I'll find out hopefully this week if we are doing the shots or not. 

Need to stop drinking. . . I've been doing it way more often than I use to. 

Cycle #2: Embroyo transfer day

so we are trying this again. It's so stressful, emotionally. Cycle 1 did not stick. And the husband and I wanted to just get this done with. So baseline appt for our surro began late October. She arrived to Houston yesterday in which we picked her up.
This go around we are having her stay with us. Easier.
But yesterday we had an appt with the fertility clinic. Last week during an ultrasound the doctor saw liquid in lining. They took it out. This week, before traveling this liquid needed to be verified it wasn't there as it could interfere with transfer. Yesterday's appt was clear. Therefore today at 11 we have embryo transfer. We will be in art dance this time as last time we weren't invited in.
How do I feel? Oddly calm. I've been hurt. And keep getting hurt. So this is just an appt to me. I should be praying far more but I think I'm negative about the whole thing Already. Maybe I just shouldn't have kids. Maybe it's not my life plan.
I want a child. It's what you do next in your marriage. I want someone else to love dearly. To teach what I know.
I have to get dressed in 15 min. 45-50 min drive away and she has to be there early.
Ultimately it's in gods hands. If we are to have a child he will make it happen.

Prayers!!

Surrogacy update

It hurts. So, I try to stay anonymous with my personality because I don’t need people reading this and then going to find me. Not interested. But if you do know me , I don’t mind that you read this.

Our two weeks have passed. Beta blood test was done today. Results came around 2PM CST.  It is negative.

To calm my nerves I ask for details to the test. This science that decides whether I have a child or not. Our surrogates HCG was 3.6 and to be positive must be a minimum of 5 or 10. Our G.S. stated a 50 is okay and a 100 is the goal of what they want to see. She stops her medicine today. 

It’s funny how the money doesn’t matter at all right now. All you feel is the pain of knowing it’s not going to happen. I try to rise above my circumstances over and over. I stay busy, I work a full time job, I do things on the side to stay happy. 

But … being this positive person about my health and my circumstance is not doing much for me. I am still angry and hurt. I fight so much for the things I want. I fought for my health with my kidney disease and did the transplant and take my immune suppressants post kidney transplant. I’ve been in the hospital for several reasons post transplant and I get through it because I have a strong will to get through things. But, I can’t control this. I put a lot of it in prayers, though I could have done more. 

I am angry. I am hurt. I want to throw things at people and yell. People’s petty issues irritate me but I smile and try to continue. But It is difficult to keep going. When I say I want to stay in bed all day, let me stay in bed. Let me be miserable. 

A few years ago I went through a strong depression for about a year and a half. Nothing to do with kidney’s or infertility but other personal stuff. I am glad and grateful I am not in that hole anymore. But I am allowed to grieve that I can not have a child. 

I am tired of living on guard all the time. Doing as my parents want for me. Pleasing others.

What about what I want?? I would like to take a car and smash into another. But then I’d have to worry about the stupid bills.

Living in the now consists of: being upset and angry . yelling at others. Crying. Binge watching movies. Going out to dance and drinking far more than I should … I want to forget. I don’t cut myself. I don’t do drugs. Adrenaline helps me forget my thoughts so…I will probably seek something else right now. 

Five years post kidney transplant is coming up November. Two years, almost three years married…no child.

I am … j;lkdsjf;aldsjf;ljds;lfa

I’m tired of beign responsible and caring. 

Medicine daily. Migraines weekly. Other people having kids… daily. Hard for me to be happy for you when I have my own issues going on.

So, shut up!

**obviously, I am venting like mad crazy. 

This is why you don’t tell people you are pregnant until you are. You don’t tell people shit until you are in your second trimester.

Surrogacy Update : TRANSFER DAY

I am not even on any hormones and I am very emotional and all over the place. Our appointment for surgery was today 10 AM CST. we got there early but our gestational surro was already in pre-op. I felt so lost and crappy not knowing what was going on.
That is our embryo. What is happening. Is it healthy. Any issues.
But then

We saw her come out with her husband. And I lit up. She is okay. All must be okay. Our G. Surro had two pictures for me. A blastocyst pic of our embryo and a pic with it in the uterus.

It's all so real now. We are going to have a baby!!! I will be positive. This negative attitude of mine has got to go. Must start seeing the light in the darkness.

So stressful and I am sure I am snappy. But luckily, I have the best husband in the world.

Now ... The two week wait begins to see if we are blood test pregnant.

I got our surro a care package, a scrapbook starter for her side and my mother in law made shirts. Which is still to be delivered.

Prayers too! This will be out first and prob only child.

Sept 30

So we all know that I can be a difficult patient but today was a stupid we went to go sign consents and our fertility clinic and no joke a joke 15 minutes to do this I had full sending a consents took maybe two minutes and the woman just got on a saying that wish to come later when you're not busy month do before you open what is the issue and so I'm just extremely frustrated people as Sarah aren't you excited? How the hell my gonna be excited whenever stupid shit keeps happening like this is not ideal for any person OK we're spending so much money every single week therefore our personal line is completely or diminished and then we had to still plan a :-) for work I do and and I feel horrible because I'm just like is is actually worth it and I know it is but I'm just so tired of it all I waiting for someone else waiting for transferred a China wait again the sea were actually pregnant like nothing is real until we hear a heartbeat and even then that first trimester so dangerous that I'm just like what's the point getting excited you know so my husband has four more patience than I do because I get so irritated obviously and I hate saying over and over that you know where it is what it is I just I difficult handling it because I'm irritated irritated that I can give birth to my own kid experience the life of birth because of my health issues i'm irritated that people don't take our time into consideration I mean I work in the clinic I know about about utilizing other peoples time and trying to you know adapt to others people schedules and I just I know I can I want to fucking crawl into a small space and just not move because this is so irritating that. And now I had to my office where… Are you want to get into it because that's it out of stress there so I'm just as tired I'm worn out mentally and emotionally and I want to shut down that would be wonderful

8/11/15

Stressed. So very stressed. It's ridiculous how much stress I can feel and then I shut down. Which is not good for anyone and especially me. 

It's not even just the job. Sure my place of employement is stressful but that is to be expected. I am not managing my thoughts and emotions like I should and I can feel the results. 

We have been working on this surrogacy thing now since ... September of last year. I had my eggs taken out then. Frozen that month. two survived. 

another story for another day.

January found our surrogate. we are in August.... and are frozen. REALLY??? I mean, we've made progress ehre an there but stop teasing me. Can we have a child or not? I am so over this wait. I have a lack of patience when it comes to myself. I have a goal and I strive for it. Why is it so difficult? is it worth it? Is this what I really want? 

It's just crazy how much I feel burdened by everything. Lawyers took ALL summer. end of may, all of june, and all of july. got approval to begin and she has done TWO ultrasounds (out of pocket to us) and now...just kidding. will have to wait another thirty days. Sure, in the grand scheme of things, 30 days isn't a long time. But I am stressssssssed. am I at my breaking point? no. probabaly not yet. When work jumps on in ... then yes. I want to slash a few things and yell. 

I've been keeping it all in and it's exhausting. Why can't we just make this happen? 

Why was I chosen to not only have kidney failure but this whole kid issue that goes with it. one thing at a time. My doctor knew not to tell me this road we would take. . .

What is the point? What is the point of being a good noble person? of caring about everyone and not yourself? about making parents proud and husband ... somewhat proud, lol? I mean, come on. You live your life thinking it will go one way or the other and then ;lfjsdjf;ldj;fds happens. it's tiring. It's wearing me out. 

At times, I want to just sleep. all day, wouldn't that be great?? or stay and snuggle with the dogs? why work somewhere where you are treated with disrespect? Why get up to have negative stuff thrown at you. 

It's just...too much sometimes. 

Am I depressed? Nope. Just in a mood that sleep...will get me out of. I know htoughs overall control the rest of me. Our minds can be the bestest of friends and our worst enemies. Right now, she is miserable. I'll get over it. I don't have habits such as eating a lot when I am angry or doing stupid stuff. I ... just shut down. 

I should go talk to ... other people but ... I feel as if I would rub off on them. which I know is false because I become a different person on the job working with other ppl. 

OKay, the vent box is off. On to more productive things but, I am just... upset.