Surrogacy update

It hurts. So, I try to stay anonymous with my personality because I don’t need people reading this and then going to find me. Not interested. But if you do know me , I don’t mind that you read this.

Our two weeks have passed. Beta blood test was done today. Results came around 2PM CST.  It is negative.

To calm my nerves I ask for details to the test. This science that decides whether I have a child or not. Our surrogates HCG was 3.6 and to be positive must be a minimum of 5 or 10. Our G.S. stated a 50 is okay and a 100 is the goal of what they want to see. She stops her medicine today. 

It’s funny how the money doesn’t matter at all right now. All you feel is the pain of knowing it’s not going to happen. I try to rise above my circumstances over and over. I stay busy, I work a full time job, I do things on the side to stay happy. 

But … being this positive person about my health and my circumstance is not doing much for me. I am still angry and hurt. I fight so much for the things I want. I fought for my health with my kidney disease and did the transplant and take my immune suppressants post kidney transplant. I’ve been in the hospital for several reasons post transplant and I get through it because I have a strong will to get through things. But, I can’t control this. I put a lot of it in prayers, though I could have done more. 

I am angry. I am hurt. I want to throw things at people and yell. People’s petty issues irritate me but I smile and try to continue. But It is difficult to keep going. When I say I want to stay in bed all day, let me stay in bed. Let me be miserable. 

A few years ago I went through a strong depression for about a year and a half. Nothing to do with kidney’s or infertility but other personal stuff. I am glad and grateful I am not in that hole anymore. But I am allowed to grieve that I can not have a child. 

I am tired of living on guard all the time. Doing as my parents want for me. Pleasing others.

What about what I want?? I would like to take a car and smash into another. But then I’d have to worry about the stupid bills.

Living in the now consists of: being upset and angry . yelling at others. Crying. Binge watching movies. Going out to dance and drinking far more than I should … I want to forget. I don’t cut myself. I don’t do drugs. Adrenaline helps me forget my thoughts so…I will probably seek something else right now. 

Five years post kidney transplant is coming up November. Two years, almost three years married…no child.

I am … j;lkdsjf;aldsjf;ljds;lfa

I’m tired of beign responsible and caring. 

Medicine daily. Migraines weekly. Other people having kids… daily. Hard for me to be happy for you when I have my own issues going on.

So, shut up!

**obviously, I am venting like mad crazy. 

This is why you don’t tell people you are pregnant until you are. You don’t tell people shit until you are in your second trimester.

Surrogacy Update : TRANSFER DAY

I am not even on any hormones and I am very emotional and all over the place. Our appointment for surgery was today 10 AM CST. we got there early but our gestational surro was already in pre-op. I felt so lost and crappy not knowing what was going on.
That is our embryo. What is happening. Is it healthy. Any issues.
But then

We saw her come out with her husband. And I lit up. She is okay. All must be okay. Our G. Surro had two pictures for me. A blastocyst pic of our embryo and a pic with it in the uterus.

It's all so real now. We are going to have a baby!!! I will be positive. This negative attitude of mine has got to go. Must start seeing the light in the darkness.

So stressful and I am sure I am snappy. But luckily, I have the best husband in the world.

Now ... The two week wait begins to see if we are blood test pregnant.

I got our surro a care package, a scrapbook starter for her side and my mother in law made shirts. Which is still to be delivered.

Prayers too! This will be out first and prob only child.

Sept 30

So we all know that I can be a difficult patient but today was a stupid we went to go sign consents and our fertility clinic and no joke a joke 15 minutes to do this I had full sending a consents took maybe two minutes and the woman just got on a saying that wish to come later when you're not busy month do before you open what is the issue and so I'm just extremely frustrated people as Sarah aren't you excited? How the hell my gonna be excited whenever stupid shit keeps happening like this is not ideal for any person OK we're spending so much money every single week therefore our personal line is completely or diminished and then we had to still plan a :-) for work I do and and I feel horrible because I'm just like is is actually worth it and I know it is but I'm just so tired of it all I waiting for someone else waiting for transferred a China wait again the sea were actually pregnant like nothing is real until we hear a heartbeat and even then that first trimester so dangerous that I'm just like what's the point getting excited you know so my husband has four more patience than I do because I get so irritated obviously and I hate saying over and over that you know where it is what it is I just I difficult handling it because I'm irritated irritated that I can give birth to my own kid experience the life of birth because of my health issues i'm irritated that people don't take our time into consideration I mean I work in the clinic I know about about utilizing other peoples time and trying to you know adapt to others people schedules and I just I know I can I want to fucking crawl into a small space and just not move because this is so irritating that. And now I had to my office where… Are you want to get into it because that's it out of stress there so I'm just as tired I'm worn out mentally and emotionally and I want to shut down that would be wonderful