It hurts. So, I try to stay anonymous with my personality because I don’t need people reading this and then going to find me. Not interested. But if you do know me , I don’t mind that you read this.
Our two weeks have passed. Beta blood test was done today. Results came around 2PM CST. It is negative.
To calm my nerves I ask for details to the test. This science that decides whether I have a child or not. Our surrogates HCG was 3.6 and to be positive must be a minimum of 5 or 10. Our G.S. stated a 50 is okay and a 100 is the goal of what they want to see. She stops her medicine today.
It’s funny how the money doesn’t matter at all right now. All you feel is the pain of knowing it’s not going to happen. I try to rise above my circumstances over and over. I stay busy, I work a full time job, I do things on the side to stay happy.
But … being this positive person about my health and my circumstance is not doing much for me. I am still angry and hurt. I fight so much for the things I want. I fought for my health with my kidney disease and did the transplant and take my immune suppressants post kidney transplant. I’ve been in the hospital for several reasons post transplant and I get through it because I have a strong will to get through things. But, I can’t control this. I put a lot of it in prayers, though I could have done more.
I am angry. I am hurt. I want to throw things at people and yell. People’s petty issues irritate me but I smile and try to continue. But It is difficult to keep going. When I say I want to stay in bed all day, let me stay in bed. Let me be miserable.
A few years ago I went through a strong depression for about a year and a half. Nothing to do with kidney’s or infertility but other personal stuff. I am glad and grateful I am not in that hole anymore. But I am allowed to grieve that I can not have a child.
I am tired of living on guard all the time. Doing as my parents want for me. Pleasing others.
What about what I want?? I would like to take a car and smash into another. But then I’d have to worry about the stupid bills.
Living in the now consists of: being upset and angry . yelling at others. Crying. Binge watching movies. Going out to dance and drinking far more than I should … I want to forget. I don’t cut myself. I don’t do drugs. Adrenaline helps me forget my thoughts so…I will probably seek something else right now.
Five years post kidney transplant is coming up November. Two years, almost three years married…no child.
I am … j;lkdsjf;aldsjf;ljds;lfa
I’m tired of beign responsible and caring.
Medicine daily. Migraines weekly. Other people having kids… daily. Hard for me to be happy for you when I have my own issues going on.
So, shut up!
**obviously, I am venting like mad crazy.
This is why you don’t tell people you are pregnant until you are. You don’t tell people shit until you are in your second trimester.
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