The kidney:
So, my last appt was in April 2016 and I was told to continue with the Omega & Sodium Bicarbonate which I didn't. I was also instructed to up my dose on the prograf, which I didn't.
I don't get entirely why I am on the omega & sodium and I feel it's more of a dietary than anything else. So just don't want to take more pills than I need to.
The prograf, the nephrologist upped my PM dose to 1 mg from 0.5 bc labs were abnormal. I am 5 years post transplant. About to be 6 and I am becoming stubborn. I know the importance of the meds. I know if I don't take them, I could lose the kidney. So why don't I take my medication as prescribed? Because it's not seeing the bad and being stubborn. I take it when I remember, but I'm not perfect. The fluconozole more than anything is what I do remember to take but the silly doc from infectious disease has issues scheduling a dang follow up. I need to start carrying my meds on me again. I've been slacking.
The baby making situation:
I'm hurt and devastated. Life at this point doesn't seem fair. I feel like a shitty person. A shitty wife. The one thing I should be able to do I can't. And now we save to do IVF w a gestational surrogate. Very unfortunate. I'm just tired of the red tape and the questions. I am tired and want to be someone else.
At the end of the day though, I have to still take my medicine and just be me. But who am I anymore. Can't work with dialysis patients anymore bc got too personal. But aren't I hypocritical when I'm not compliant with my medication either. I've been drinking way more than I should to numb out feelings and to not care. But like I tell "others" this numbing method doesn't work bc once your sober, it hits you hard.
So what is one to do? No, I don't want therapy l bc usually get aggravated and these ppl don't know how to challenge me the way I need. I've tried and then get pissed off.
Yes, I wanted to write a book. Yes, I wanted to help others. But of course, self-care comes first. If I can't do that how am I suppose to help others with ESRD, CKD or infertility. Becomes problematic over and over again. I've volunteered and worked with this population and it doesn't help. Well, kind of did because it made me more accountable. Which is usually hard. But surrounding yourself with that shit makes life a wee bit more in your face.
Do I want a kid? Of course. Just tired of the way it has to happen. Is this just the way it has to be. Yup. Is that fair? Nope. But you know , I can't do anything about it. Just continue to play the game.
Can doing too much affect my health? Maybe. Is this a question for the nephrologist. Maybe. And that appt is next week. So, one day, one thing at a time.
Sara, what do you want?
A good job that I can help others in some shape or form.
A crazy yet satisfying life. Hahaha. By crazy: dancing, and no ragrats, lol. Rave galor and sweat till you just forget all the pain. Dancing is therapeutic. No drugs needed.
As many have said in the past , to feel normal. But then one questions what is normal. Bc we all have different thought process' aboot what that means but ppl don't ever want to actually define it for themselves.
So what is normal for myself? Haha. No clue. Hahahhaha. Just a thought again and again.
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