Cycle #2: Embroyo transfer day

so we are trying this again. It's so stressful, emotionally. Cycle 1 did not stick. And the husband and I wanted to just get this done with. So baseline appt for our surro began late October. She arrived to Houston yesterday in which we picked her up.
This go around we are having her stay with us. Easier.
But yesterday we had an appt with the fertility clinic. Last week during an ultrasound the doctor saw liquid in lining. They took it out. This week, before traveling this liquid needed to be verified it wasn't there as it could interfere with transfer. Yesterday's appt was clear. Therefore today at 11 we have embryo transfer. We will be in art dance this time as last time we weren't invited in.
How do I feel? Oddly calm. I've been hurt. And keep getting hurt. So this is just an appt to me. I should be praying far more but I think I'm negative about the whole thing Already. Maybe I just shouldn't have kids. Maybe it's not my life plan.
I want a child. It's what you do next in your marriage. I want someone else to love dearly. To teach what I know.
I have to get dressed in 15 min. 45-50 min drive away and she has to be there early.
Ultimately it's in gods hands. If we are to have a child he will make it happen.

Prayers!!

Surrogacy update

It hurts. So, I try to stay anonymous with my personality because I don’t need people reading this and then going to find me. Not interested. But if you do know me , I don’t mind that you read this.

Our two weeks have passed. Beta blood test was done today. Results came around 2PM CST.  It is negative.

To calm my nerves I ask for details to the test. This science that decides whether I have a child or not. Our surrogates HCG was 3.6 and to be positive must be a minimum of 5 or 10. Our G.S. stated a 50 is okay and a 100 is the goal of what they want to see. She stops her medicine today. 

It’s funny how the money doesn’t matter at all right now. All you feel is the pain of knowing it’s not going to happen. I try to rise above my circumstances over and over. I stay busy, I work a full time job, I do things on the side to stay happy. 

But … being this positive person about my health and my circumstance is not doing much for me. I am still angry and hurt. I fight so much for the things I want. I fought for my health with my kidney disease and did the transplant and take my immune suppressants post kidney transplant. I’ve been in the hospital for several reasons post transplant and I get through it because I have a strong will to get through things. But, I can’t control this. I put a lot of it in prayers, though I could have done more. 

I am angry. I am hurt. I want to throw things at people and yell. People’s petty issues irritate me but I smile and try to continue. But It is difficult to keep going. When I say I want to stay in bed all day, let me stay in bed. Let me be miserable. 

A few years ago I went through a strong depression for about a year and a half. Nothing to do with kidney’s or infertility but other personal stuff. I am glad and grateful I am not in that hole anymore. But I am allowed to grieve that I can not have a child. 

I am tired of living on guard all the time. Doing as my parents want for me. Pleasing others.

What about what I want?? I would like to take a car and smash into another. But then I’d have to worry about the stupid bills.

Living in the now consists of: being upset and angry . yelling at others. Crying. Binge watching movies. Going out to dance and drinking far more than I should … I want to forget. I don’t cut myself. I don’t do drugs. Adrenaline helps me forget my thoughts so…I will probably seek something else right now. 

Five years post kidney transplant is coming up November. Two years, almost three years married…no child.

I am … j;lkdsjf;aldsjf;ljds;lfa

I’m tired of beign responsible and caring. 

Medicine daily. Migraines weekly. Other people having kids… daily. Hard for me to be happy for you when I have my own issues going on.

So, shut up!

**obviously, I am venting like mad crazy. 

This is why you don’t tell people you are pregnant until you are. You don’t tell people shit until you are in your second trimester.

Surrogacy Update : TRANSFER DAY

I am not even on any hormones and I am very emotional and all over the place. Our appointment for surgery was today 10 AM CST. we got there early but our gestational surro was already in pre-op. I felt so lost and crappy not knowing what was going on.
That is our embryo. What is happening. Is it healthy. Any issues.
But then

We saw her come out with her husband. And I lit up. She is okay. All must be okay. Our G. Surro had two pictures for me. A blastocyst pic of our embryo and a pic with it in the uterus.

It's all so real now. We are going to have a baby!!! I will be positive. This negative attitude of mine has got to go. Must start seeing the light in the darkness.

So stressful and I am sure I am snappy. But luckily, I have the best husband in the world.

Now ... The two week wait begins to see if we are blood test pregnant.

I got our surro a care package, a scrapbook starter for her side and my mother in law made shirts. Which is still to be delivered.

Prayers too! This will be out first and prob only child.

Sept 30

So we all know that I can be a difficult patient but today was a stupid we went to go sign consents and our fertility clinic and no joke a joke 15 minutes to do this I had full sending a consents took maybe two minutes and the woman just got on a saying that wish to come later when you're not busy month do before you open what is the issue and so I'm just extremely frustrated people as Sarah aren't you excited? How the hell my gonna be excited whenever stupid shit keeps happening like this is not ideal for any person OK we're spending so much money every single week therefore our personal line is completely or diminished and then we had to still plan a :-) for work I do and and I feel horrible because I'm just like is is actually worth it and I know it is but I'm just so tired of it all I waiting for someone else waiting for transferred a China wait again the sea were actually pregnant like nothing is real until we hear a heartbeat and even then that first trimester so dangerous that I'm just like what's the point getting excited you know so my husband has four more patience than I do because I get so irritated obviously and I hate saying over and over that you know where it is what it is I just I difficult handling it because I'm irritated irritated that I can give birth to my own kid experience the life of birth because of my health issues i'm irritated that people don't take our time into consideration I mean I work in the clinic I know about about utilizing other peoples time and trying to you know adapt to others people schedules and I just I know I can I want to fucking crawl into a small space and just not move because this is so irritating that. And now I had to my office where… Are you want to get into it because that's it out of stress there so I'm just as tired I'm worn out mentally and emotionally and I want to shut down that would be wonderful

8/11/15

Stressed. So very stressed. It's ridiculous how much stress I can feel and then I shut down. Which is not good for anyone and especially me. 

It's not even just the job. Sure my place of employement is stressful but that is to be expected. I am not managing my thoughts and emotions like I should and I can feel the results. 

We have been working on this surrogacy thing now since ... September of last year. I had my eggs taken out then. Frozen that month. two survived. 

another story for another day.

January found our surrogate. we are in August.... and are frozen. REALLY??? I mean, we've made progress ehre an there but stop teasing me. Can we have a child or not? I am so over this wait. I have a lack of patience when it comes to myself. I have a goal and I strive for it. Why is it so difficult? is it worth it? Is this what I really want? 

It's just crazy how much I feel burdened by everything. Lawyers took ALL summer. end of may, all of june, and all of july. got approval to begin and she has done TWO ultrasounds (out of pocket to us) and now...just kidding. will have to wait another thirty days. Sure, in the grand scheme of things, 30 days isn't a long time. But I am stressssssssed. am I at my breaking point? no. probabaly not yet. When work jumps on in ... then yes. I want to slash a few things and yell. 

I've been keeping it all in and it's exhausting. Why can't we just make this happen? 

Why was I chosen to not only have kidney failure but this whole kid issue that goes with it. one thing at a time. My doctor knew not to tell me this road we would take. . .

What is the point? What is the point of being a good noble person? of caring about everyone and not yourself? about making parents proud and husband ... somewhat proud, lol? I mean, come on. You live your life thinking it will go one way or the other and then ;lfjsdjf;ldj;fds happens. it's tiring. It's wearing me out. 

At times, I want to just sleep. all day, wouldn't that be great?? or stay and snuggle with the dogs? why work somewhere where you are treated with disrespect? Why get up to have negative stuff thrown at you. 

It's just...too much sometimes. 

Am I depressed? Nope. Just in a mood that sleep...will get me out of. I know htoughs overall control the rest of me. Our minds can be the bestest of friends and our worst enemies. Right now, she is miserable. I'll get over it. I don't have habits such as eating a lot when I am angry or doing stupid stuff. I ... just shut down. 

I should go talk to ... other people but ... I feel as if I would rub off on them. which I know is false because I become a different person on the job working with other ppl. 

OKay, the vent box is off. On to more productive things but, I am just... upset. 

Gestational Surrogacy Update - attorneys

Ahhhhh!!!!

So all of may we have been doing attorney stuff. Why is it OUR attorney keeps pushing us to switch attorneys for the surrogate we have everything planned but it's taking forever. WTF?!?

January - found surrogate
February - discuss details of contract. Surrogate does requirements
March - surrogate does requirements
April - surrogate finishes requirements.

May- attorney
June - attorney and hopefully Meds. Ahhhhh

Why is it taking 6 months.

I get frustrated and just want to give up. So much money in this already.

I just want to have a kid. Stupid how difficult this is.

CKD status - last appt

I had a follow up with the nephrologist , which I will say is still the best nephrologist I've ever had. My creatinine levels are at 1.7. Which is great for me. I target for anything under 2. So 1.7 is ideal. I doubt I can ever get to 1.5.

I was finally told that I don't look dehydrated. Was surprised about that as my water intake hasn't been that much better but hey, I'll take it.

Meds:
Prograf
Myfortic
Prednisone
Fluconozole
Valcyte
Sodium bicarbonate
Vitamin D

Take Meds twice a day.

Need to follow up with infectious disease.
Have to follow up with neurologist.

Update

I truly do not feel like writing what so ever but it is a way to express myself and cope. I am frustrated. Very frustrated with the process and with everything.
Yes, I am fully aware this journey will involve spending money, a lot of money, but do NOT rip me off because you can.

Attorney fee's for both Intended parents & Gestational Surrogate
Living Will cost
Escrow costs
Life Insurance (expected )
Medical Bills
Health Insurance

Should we have just gone with an agency, I look back and i deff. say yes. The stress this puts on a person is ridiculous. I just didn't agree and don't that the agency wants 12K or so for coordinating.
You want 1500-ish a month on top of what the surrogate will be getting monthly. You guys realize we own a home, have two mouths to feed along with our animals. No assistance available and it is like we are in the medicare donut hole...just stops moving.

I am frustrated with the to do lists.I am frustrated with the time this is taking. We found our match for surrogacy back in January 2015. We are in MAY now.

I just pray that the migraines wont overdo themselves and that Baby F will be amazing when and if he arrives.

Contracts and GS

I'm so tired. Why can't this be easier? I have to consider each step and I do not know if you realize there are a lot. I feel as if I am burdening there surrogate with discussing the financials . We have the base fee ,the transfer fee, the starting medication fee, and the base pay base pay starts earlier than I thought.  before oh and then the kicker. Is I need to get insurance for them so that's a private policy that covers pregnancyl fully doesn't have any exclusions to it so that my stresses me out my head wants to explode just a bit if you're okay will how much is adaptable and bubble blah and I guess this is why people go through agencies but I just couldn't like they getting positive about being in agency ten grand to just take care of the little stuff I think like right now I am doing it on my own my husband's been busy but he'll join up after this weekend he's just been really busy with work I don't know. It's like a right now I'm looking at two different just gestational surrogates. And I have to see what is better for me and of course somewhat cost-effective and they have different fees one seems more lenient about things one is very like notices. But really this is someone I need like , to get me because they're carrying my child for the next like nine months so I guess? Iono. 

Searching for a GS

How do I feel? Frustrated, intimidated and more. These base comp amounts are a fortune. Do you realize that the surrogate will be receiving my salary basically? Thankful I have a job. Just... Why is comp so much when we cover every procedure possible? 

Once we save a base comp amount that is safe, we can begin. 

Insurance: didn't realize this by itself is so difficult. Our insurance doesn't cover the surrogates pregnancy. Our fertility clinic offers to monitor for first 10 weeks. So week 11-40 we need pregnancy coverage. So much to consider.. Sigh.